/edit: Obviously, yes. I wrote whether wrong ^^.
I really wish I would have been able to deal with my depression and insecurities before I broke up with my ex girlfriend. It’s kinda of ironic that I’m now after 2 years of our breakup I’m doing what I wanted to do back then. Really invest in getting a job where she lives. If only I wouldn’t have been so scared and insecure. If only I would have told her how little I really believed in myself and my skills. Now I have that confidence in myself, although I still have many insecurities at least I know I’m a good graphic designer. I’m not perfect and I will always strive to be better but at least I know that I’m not bad. That people like my work.
Well, anyway. I guess it is stupid that after two years of not being with her I know there’s one thing I don’t want to regret for the rest of my life. I fucked up so many things while I was very depressive. I regret so many of those things. Most of them I can’t undo. My biggest regret was losing her and fucking everything up. And it still hurts me every day because I know she’s the one that got away. I tried falling in love with someone else but it’s just not the same. Even though there might be some sort of affection it’s just far too different from what I felt for her even before I got together with her.
And I can’t help but foolishly think about if there is any, even the slightest chance that she still has a tiny spark of feelings for me. I know her feelings for her previous ex faded away and I know he was far more important to her than I ever was to her. So if I think about it rationally there’s probably no way she cares about me anymore. Besides she would probably never forgive nor forget how I treated her during our breakup. Granted, people grow over time and being with her and losing her taught me a lot about love but eh well it’s not like she can see how I have changed in the last 2 years.
I wonder: Is it stupid wanting to try and fight for her? Is it selfish knowing she has a boyfriend? Does that make me a bad person? I would give anything to win her back. I’m going to attend some events in Houston next year for creatives in order to network and I’m even thinking about doing a billboard/banner advertisement at malls since it is not “that” expensive. I know it sounds so ridicilous. But right now I’m happy in the sense that I pretty much got everything I’d ask for in life. The only thing I don’t have is her and that really makes me sad. The fear of never seeing her smile in front of me is so intense I can’t even explain it. I don’t know why she makes me so happy even now that I’m not with her thinking of her gives me a sense of comfort. Is that strange? Knowing there is a person out there who you really love? And just the thought of that person even if your relations to that person aren’t good makes you happy? I know I always used to be this kind of old fashioned guy who wanted to find the right woman and marry her one day, buy a house with a nice backyard and then have a dog and a child with her. LOL
What if you feel like you already met that person you should have ended up with? Do you fight? Or do you just leave it be and accept the pain? Is it just selfish wanting to be with her or do you know that you are the one person who would treat her in the best way she’d deserve for her lifetime?
Well, I’m already doing stuff pretty actively in order to get to her soon. You know, there’s this dog she likes. She always goes visit it because the family who owns the dog doesn’t take care of him. And she is so afraid of the dog. Ok this is gonna sound super ridicilous but whatever LOL. Anyway, she always tells me how happy that dog makes her when she sees him. And she also tells me how much she worries about that dog because the dog is always outside nobody is taking care of him even at night when it’s cold they just let him stay outside and he’s got flea. So she was like … she wish she could take the dog with her. And if I think about it rationally, as crazy as that might sound at first, it would probably be the best thing to do for the dog according to how they treat the dog. But she can’t take the dog with her at home because her mother and relatives wouldn’t allow it. So theoretically she would have to wait for until she gets out of college which will be another 2 years. So the ridicilous part of the story actually is that when she told me about how happy that dog makes her, even happier than her boyfriend (ok, that’s not hard since he’s not really a caring boyfriend imo), I wanted to help her because I know how sad she is.
I know how terrible her life seems to her. There aren’t a lot of things that make her happy but the dog does. So that’s kind of when I decided I should move to Houston so I could take the dog to my apartment and care good care of him. Then she could even take the dog out. It wouldn’t even be a bad thing since I want to have a dog myself again. Anyway, when I realized there might actually be a way how I could make her happy again I wanted this so bad. That’s why I started to search for a job in Houston and now I’m doing crazy shit that I was actually supposed to do 2 years ago lol. And I don’t even care. Well, I would care knowing that she doesn’t love me. That her feelings for me are gone. But I’d be more afraid of knowing she is not going to be alright and happy in the future. Of course, I hope that somehow someday I can redeem myself. Although I don’t really have any expectations that she will ever love me again.
The real question still remains though: Is it a bad thing if I try to fight for her? I seriously have no idea.
Writing this down really feels good. I haven’t written a real long rant about my feelings on tumblr for quite some time. Gee wtf almost an hour passed since I began writing this lol